The Compulsion to Create

Saw part of a very good documentary about leonard bernstein last night. Fascinating guy, so devoted to music, and to sharing it with the world, through performance, composition and conversation (especially in the form of his fantastic televised teaching). And that's the part that's really interesting me right now, and that i'm identifying with a lot - the compulsion to share with others. This can apply to any number of personal elements: art, love, money, talent, knowledge, religion, joy; and it can work for some negative reflections of these too (haven't you ever met someone who insists on sharing her pain, or who tries to get you to feel his hate for something or someone?) Also, there's usually some self-gratifying side to this generosity of spirit as well - approval, love, validation, status, something like that. But on the whole i think it's admirable, or anyway it's a trait of a lot of people i admire. Or maybe i'm just saying that because i feel a powerful compulsion to share myself: it's got to be one of the primal impulses that draw me to acting and teaching, and it's also evidenced in the way i try to turn people on to music i like, etc.

So, what to do with that? Keep finding better outlets for the kinds of sharing i really want to be involved in, and devoting myself to it in (hopefully) ever more effective ways. And while i'm at it, let go of the needy side of it as much as possible.

Ok, i tend not to talk about auditions and such for a couple reasons - 1) i don't want to jinx things, and 2) i don't want to get anyone's hopes up, including my own. Auditioning is enough of a roller coaster without having friends experiencing the ups and downs with me (not to mention asking me about them). But i'm going to see how it goes writing a little bit about them here for a while and see how that goes. Have some interesting ones coming up in the next few days: one for a new show going on downtown - i'm way too young for the roles, but hey, that's nothing new for me. Some really good people are working on it, and i think it would be fun (plus, as always, you never know who might end up seeing it). There are a couple biggish auditions tomorrow, and i may have to choose between them: one for an understudy gig with BIG CASH PRIZES, but again, age is a factor - i'm kind of too old AND too young for these jobs: too old to cover the 'young track' (mostly guys in their 20s) and too young to cover the 'old track' (guys in their 30s-60s), and the fact that this is a broadway gig means they'll have plenty of 'age-appropriate' people to choos from. The other show is at a smaller, but still very good, theater with a lot of roles i'm right for... gotta say i'm leaning toward that audition. There's also one for some roles i'm right for at a little theater out of town for hardly any money at all. Here's where i've got to check that 'impulse to share' a little bit, because while i've taken this kind of job in the past (plenty of times) i'm not sure it's the smartest thing career-wise or life-wise at this point. So i'm definitely not going to go to great lengths to hit that particular audition. Then i have one lined up for next week for a theater i worked at a long time ago - much of the artistic/production staff has changed over since i was there - that sort of falls in the middle: it's a very good theater, with great people (well, they were great when i was there before), that pays, well... it pays ok, not great. It's a production of Christmas Carol, which can be cheesy, but i actually love the story. Don't know what these guys' take on it will be. So it's the kind of job that probably won't exactly catapult my career forward, but i'd probably take it if offered. At the very least, it's a chance to reintroduce myself to them at the audition, which is certainly worth the effort.

Ok, that's that for now. Let me know if you want to go see shows, films or music!